no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
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Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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