I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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