she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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