I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
