I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
