Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
