my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
