i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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