Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
