I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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