so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
