Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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