EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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