Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
