Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
