There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
