I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
