Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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