So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
