OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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