McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
