ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
