just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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