I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
