im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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