Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
