she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
