Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
