Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
