It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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