I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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