just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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