they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
