Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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