Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
