The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
