Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
