I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
