he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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