i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
