I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
