I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑