i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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