he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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