I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
