i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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