Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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