if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
