I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
