I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
