just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
