Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
