seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it was like eating out sand paper
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
