I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
