Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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