im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
