This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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