I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Randomize
