imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
